One of the most important books that I have read in the past few years is Martha Becks “Finding Your Own North Star”. In it she talks about fear and change and finding your passion. I only wish I had this book during my marriage separation four years ago, four years that have been full of so many changes for me. I have been told so many times by so many people that I am brave, but believe me I have not felt brave. I kept making small decisions and big choices one at a time. Most of the time I did not feel courageous, I actually felt like a failure, but I kept going, not entertaining the thought for a second that I had another choice.
It was a huge shock to my system to leave Cork, my ex-husband, some wonderful friends and a lot of my regular work behind. It was what I had to do to take care of myself. I made the choice for me in order to heal, surround myself with family and friends and ultimately follow my purpose. I had often made decisions in the past based on what was better for other people but this time I had to put myself first.
Beck says that “Dante’s journey took him as low as a human being could sink, through his worst fears and most bitter truths, down to the very centre of the earth. And then, by continuing straight “downward” through the centre and beyond, he was suddenly headed up. Before him he could see “the beautiful things that Heaven bears,” things like purpose, fulfilment, excitement, compassion, and delight. He was still tired and scared, but he wasn’t sleepwalking, and he wasn’t lost. There was still a long road ahead of him, but it was the right road. And so, Dante wrote, “we came forth, and once more saw the stars.” Once you get that far, you’re on your way to Paradise.”
I did not believe at the time that things would ever get better but I was wrong. People lent me their hope when I did not have any for myself. Things have gotten so much better in many ways like having more available time for myself, my health, my family, my personal development and much less stress and financial pressure.
In her book, Beck says that “fear is the raw material from which courage is manufactured.” Maybe once I faced my fears, then I was given courage. I am not sure of the order of things, but I am glad I kept walking, just putting one foot in front of the other. I was lucky that many people supported me, kept me company and shone their light on days when I was in the dark. The process of starting again has been painful and indeed felt like being on a rollercoaster. I cannot say that it was easy but I can say that I worked really hard at it and it has been worth it.
Beck says that “an artist’s real contribution isn’t what she paints, but the way she sees.” I have been committed to rebuilding my life and to returning to the path of service to that I veered off of when I got married, albeit with many valuable life lessons on the way, however most of them I have no desire to revisit.
When I found my own North Star, I knew then where I was headed. That alone felt good. Plus my North Star feels vital, so finally aiming towards it brought more and more happiness and benefit to both myself and others. I can now dream bigger dreams and take more chances in life since if I lose my way, I’ve got a beacon to hone in on.
Everyday life was entangling for me in the past, I can absolutely see that now, hindsight is 20/20 vision and all that. It was so easy to get caught up in work routines and marital obligations that gradually overtook the course of my own life and happiness. It may have looked and felt goal-directed – make breakfast, go to work, return home, make dinner, go to bed, repeat the next day - but I guess I knew deep inside that there was no purpose to it, no fundamental aim that gave clarity, meaning and richness. Then life began to feel hollow, more about getting through than getting to, more survival than thriving.
From here on, the course of my life will be aimed at my own North Star and while I have no control of the details or the outcome, what I do know is that it is my mission and purpose to help many other people find theirs too.
With much love, Jo xxx
